Growing up I always had lots of friends, never the most popular by far but getting along with everyone. I had a few circles of friends and I’d try hard to split my time equally amongst them all.
A group of girl friends who I’d been best friends with since the first week of secondary school, friends who I’d been at primary school with and still walked to school with despite being in different social groups inside the gates, the music group who I’d practice with at lunch times inside the music block…..of course I’m not musical but it got me away from the wet playground and occasionally out of lessons too. The dance and theatre groups where I rehearsed when we were getting ready for school plays and dance productions and then later on in school boyfriends and their friends.
I’m not one for being the centre of attention and never have been, as strange as that sounds when I’ve just revealed I performed in the school music shows, dance productions and plays. I loved the group interaction, performed as a group and always took backstage/back-up roles.
Never a leader but also never really a follower. I’m happiest doing my own thing and being everyone’s friend.
Nothing changes really, I was the same throughout collage and in working environments and finally found my calling as a Nanny where I didn’t have to follow anyone’s routine per say, OK I had an employer but was able to go with the flow and work on my own terms and steam.
When I said ‘I Do’ to my best friend and sole mate I found myself taking on another new role, one strange and alien to me. Almost immediately my carefree days passed and I became the sensible one in the house, bills needed paying – this was of course split between us unlike the other household jobs such as cooking and cleaning.
Being a wife and then a mother means I have added more layers and extra juggling balls to what sometimes seems like a never ending game, a game with ever changing rules and missing instructions.
The game pieces are all present but the guideposts forever moving further away.
I love my many roles in this game of life but sometimes I feel the balls slipping. It’s hard to hold juggling balls up for so long while keeping a painted smile in place and moving along with the flow for so long.
Recently I have realised that somethings have to give just a little, and this year I have stopped being that friend….the one who makes all of the effort all of the time. I just can’t do it any more.
I was always the one to ensure friendships were maintained, made the effort to message and keep in touch, but over the years it’s always been one-sided and finally I have realised it’s time to let go of some of those balls.
I am a wife and a mother, a friend, an auntie, a sister, a sister-in-law and so many other roles BUT I am also me, and I need to find me once again.
I am here somewhere, just hidden under all of these layers.